Means to an End
by SnowRedWings
Summary: Their relationship was never perfect, or never really there at all... Jill and Chris meet before he leaves for China to come to terms with this elephant in the room. AngstyFluff. R


Jill was sitting across from Chris, the couple gripped in strained silence as they pretended to drink their cups of instant coffee. She had hurried over before he left for China, excited to see him after such a long period apart. The man who met her at the door with the stench of alcohol on his mouth and a shocked expression was a different man from the one she remembered; it was obvious he forget she was coming. Earlier in the evening was something they both couldn't stop thinking of, running through their minds on a vicious repeat.

"What are you doing here?" He had opened the door wider, wincing as she neared the threshold. Seeing the look on his face, she hesitated and leaned over to peer inside. Beer cans were stacked on the coffee table and spilled over on the stained grey carpet, a pile of clothes at the end of the couch indicative he had been sleeping there. Chris sighed and wished he would have cleaned the small house up instead of working on his car all day. Her disappointment was obvious on her sweet face, her blue eyes peering up at him with sudden sadness.

"Hello Chris." Her voice was tight as she clutched her purse to her side, both hands gripping the shoulder strap like it held her in reality. Quickly stepping passed him, she stood in the cluttered living room and watched him with owl-like eyes. His back was to her, Chris taking his time as he closed the door before turning to face her. With a small awkward shrug, he lifted his arms and tilted his head in a silent question. The lean woman hurried forward, abandoning her purse on the floor to throw herself into his embrace. Her arms extended up his back, fingers wrapping around his shoulders as she buried her face against his chest. He sighed and pressed his cheek against her soft brown hair, fingers running through the length, enjoying the pleasant smell of her shampoo. She leaned away and his arm shifted from around her shoulders, lifting a hand to cup her chin.

"I missed you." She smiled as he leaned down to kiss her, pad of his thumb sliding along her jaw.

Things were the opposite now, Chris staring down into the murky brown water with knit brows. The table felt like it separated them by miles, a hollow ache rising in Jill's chest. It was the same ache in her chest that she carried when she thought she would never see Chris again, her eyes lifting from the disgusting drink to watch the man. She had to say something; she had been so determined throughout the day, rehearsing lines and choosing her words wisely.

"Chris," He looked up at her and leaned back, a wary smile playing about his mouth. "Are things okay?" She murmured, her hand lifting from her lap to wrap around the cup and leech warmth from it. It kept her calm, gave her something to focus on so she wouldn't back down.

"Do they look okay, Jill?" She had lowered her eyes to her cup, missing the fluid change in his expression. He looked haunted now, her partner's eyes glowing with agony and self-loathing.

"Why didn't you call me sooner?" The brunette prodded gently, unable to disguise the anxious edge in her tone. It hurt to see that pain bearing down on his soul, Jill biting her bottom lip and staring down at the cup. Lifting it to her mouth, she swallowed some of the bitter liquid. It was only a show, an excuse to tear her eyes away.

"Because, Jill." The way he said her name made her lower the cup and look at him immediately, her mouth quivering. It was harsh like a slur, the words grating in the silence.

"Because why?" She demanded, slamming her small fist onto the table. "Don't I get to know anything, Chris? Why are you still shutting me out?"

He jumped when she banged on the table, unbothered when his mud water sloshed in its cup and splashed on the table. The woman across from him was a shadow of what she was; her brown hair messy and her eyes were rimmed with darkness. She had lost weight, her exasperated expression holding a visible note of fatigue. This was his fault, he knew that. She was suffering because of him and it made him hurt.

"You think I like seeing you like this and knowing it's because of me? That I want you to see me like this…" His voice cracked with emotion, his hand moving to rest on his brow to shield his face from view. Jill frowned at him and wished she could sum up the courage to pull his arm down. She felt the bitter lash of irony that she could face zombies and the undead without fear, but when it came to her own life she was a cowering child that wanted to be safe at home. What he said didn't shock her; she knew she looked like a zombie herself. She couldn't sleep because of the nightmares, and she was so worried about Chris… Her mind never let her weary body rest. Now she was sitting here, a mass of stress and exhaustion, trying to take on the biggest fear – Rejection from the only person she ever gave a damn about.

"I just want to help you. I want to carry some of your problems, I want to help you feel better, listen to you, talk to you. Be with you." The words spilled out in a tumble, her voice strong despite the quaking she felt inside. His hand lowered and he watched her with a mute expression, eyes burning passionately at her. He wanted to toss the table aside and hold her close, bury his face in her sweet pea scented hair. But he couldn't, he wouldn't break her heart again.

"I don't want you to hurt again." His reply was so soft; her ears were straining to hear it over the hum of the fridge not too far away. He lowered his face to his upturned hands, leaning against them heavily. "I can't let you love me." His voice was thick with tears, shoulders shivering with misery.

Jill felt strangely numb, her fingers gripping her knees under the table. Perhaps his decision was for the best then, her eyes burning with unshed grief. She looked up and suddenly wished none of this had ever happened. That she could just forget the feelings in her heart and the perfect man sitting across from her. She remained silent until he gathered himself and lifted his gaze.

"Is this because of what Wesker made me do?" She whispered, Chris' eyes widening then narrowing with anger. He set his jaw and folded his arms, leaning back in his chair to regard her with a level expression. Jill felt incredibly tiny under his gaze, rubbing her upper arms self-consciously and chewing her bottom lip.

"No, Jill, it was never about that! Ever! You weren't in control!" His voice had slowly risen until it was nearly a shout, Jill's own anger rising to the occasion.

"Neither were you through any of this! None of what happened is your fault, Chris! Why can't you see that? Why are you trying so hard to make me understand when you can't even understand it yourself, Chris?" Her voice ran high and keening, all the stress she had been carrying suddenly boiling under her skin. She wanted to get up and leave, but they needed to be adult about this. Realizing she was standing, her face reddened and she sat back down. It was humiliating to act this way and let her emotions get the best of her.

"Because I lost you." His voice was whisper quiet again, Chris staring at the table between their untouched cups. Her heart sung painfully and she willed her hope away. "So many people have died because of me, because I let you get taken away from me. I couldn't protect you, Jill. I couldn't…" His words were strangled with a wordless cry, his head returning to his hands. She stared at him with wide eyes, a hand covering her mouth as it contorted with ugly sobs. The silent, angry cries she held in her chest felt like they were going to rip her apart, her thoughts buzzing to come up with a response.

"You don't think I regret what I did?" Her voice was dangerously soft, monotonous as she lifted her clear eyes to stare at him. He lifted his head and gave her a puzzled expression. "When I was forced to contaminate people with Uroboros and do Wesker's bidding. I was still there, watching everything with no control over my body. I strangled people with my bare hands and I could only watch…" Chris felt like he was punched in the chest. How could he be so selfish? He stared at his partner as she rubbed the heels of her hands against her eyes, getting to his feet a moment later. She shook in his arms, terrible sobs filling the room as he turned her in the chair and held her tightly against his chest. He had always been so quick to claim he needed Jill Valentine, but here he was acting like he was the only one hurt. His poor Jill had dissolved to this mess he held in his arms, a ghost of the woman she once was.

"Jill, shhh." He crooned softly, his fingers massaging her scalp and pulling through her long hair. It was soothing her, her shoulders slowly stopping until they no longer shook. He leaned back just enough to capture her chin, turning her to look up at him. Her eyes were red rimmed but they held no more anguish, only clear curiosity. Chris leaned down and kissed her until that was all she could think about. His hands were caught in her hair, one cradling her head while the other rested against the side of neck. He kissed her with unbridled passion, letting her know just how much he had missed her; how much his soul had missed her. The kisses were hesitant and unsure, growing more bold and full with each passing moment.

Chris had been starved when he came to the realization how much he had needed her. Moments of time flickered in his mind, time he had spent without her. He would turn towards her side of the bed in the night and reach for her to find the bed cold and the sheets empty. He would lay and let his fingers trace the spot where she would have been sleeping, agony gripping heart. The feeling of being torn in half never receded. God, he loved her so much.

"I'm so sorry," He murmured against her mouth between searing kisses, claiming her lips again before finishing his thought, "I'll never leave you again." He gave her another kiss. "I'll never let anyone take you."

She responded with a soft whimper, her hands gripping his arms to keep upright. The room was a whirlwind of emotions, heavy with the previous storm of sorrow. Her lips felt bruised and plump, her heart racing in her chest. Guilt bubbled beneath her temporary satisfaction, the woman feeling bad about bringing up her own problems when they were here to talk about his. When she didn't reply to him, he hauled her face back up to his and continued to kiss her until all she could think about was the smell of his skin.

Her mouth burned when he pulled away, stooping to lift her to pull her tightly to his chest. He held her slight frame easily, his nose brushing against her shoulder as he settled against the curve of her neck. They were both tired of hurting, and this was what they needed to heal. They needed each other, and as much as they fought against it, it would change nothing.

"Please stay with me." His whispered against her skin, begging with quiet anxiety and need. Her heart leapt to her mouth and she wished she could see his face, biting her lip nervously. Chris tensed when she was quiet for too long. When he set her down and looked down at her beautiful face, she met him with a shaky question.

"Would it be alright?" Chris' heart stuttered as he looked out at the frail woman. The woman that once stood so tall and walked with a monstrous step was reduced to this. It was a sick twist of fate after all they had been through that they both dissolve to hollow beings.

"Of course, Jill. My home and my heart are always open to you." He responded, pulling her close again. They stood silently for a long while, comfortably wrapped in the safest place for them. Chris sought another kiss, his mouth hungry against hers. She responded in kind, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Time slowed to a stumbling pace and the once gloomy kitchen brightened like the sky after a vicious typhoon. And just like the weather, they found peace after so much darkness. Healing would take time, but now all they had was time. An infinity with his fingers wrapped in her hair and her head resting on his leg as they listened to the rain.


End file.
